i'm sitting on alex's bedroom floor watching NBC's Biggest Loser while alex is sleeping...

i knew it wasn't a good idea to watch but then again if the show is going to make me feel like this everytime then maybe i should invest in the DVDs.

 i hate the way i look...even still after alex told me that he loves me for me and he loves my body, but why the fuck can't i? why do i hate the way i look so much? i hate it so much because as long as i'm dressed and not looking in a mirror then i feel ok, pretty even. i hate that i hate myself and alex doesn't understand why. it makes me feel crazy,

no, it's not guaranteed that i'll be happier if i lose weight. but maybe. it sucks because the only thing stopping me as of right now is food. i already go to the gym, i walk 2.5 miles and bike 2.5 miles almost everyday...that's 45 minutes of working out on average 4 times a week...i have the exercise part down just the food thing sucks. my appetite is killing me. i crave shit food all the time. i've tried everything to get the urges to go away. i've gotten a glass of water and sipped it for 15 minutes. i'm eaten a teaspoon of peanut butter to try and cease it. i've pinched the part of my ear that is supposed to cease it until it turned black and blue...the ear thing worked at first. then it just didn't. i hate it i hate i hate. i hate my appetite. i hate that i'm finally doing something to be happy  and better myself and there's yet again one more thing in my way and this time it's something i can't control any longer. i guess the next step is talk to my doctor about it. there's got to be something they can do to help me. and we all know i am not against taking a pill if i must for this. i'll do whatever i have to. i just don't want to think, dream, obsess about food any longer. there's way more things in my life that i can enjoy. i'm ready to feel like a normal person, not someone who pretends like they feel normal in front of everyone but every night when i lay down in bed all i can think about is food and how much it controls me.

BLAH!!!

hung out with howard and drank last night. it was fun, i got drunk. haven't felt like that in a while. it was nice. i am glad i don't do that every weekend anymore though.

alex got a job, so the odds of him coming up for family christmas are pretty slim : (

but it's life and i have to deal with it. i have to see him before christmas, i miss him a lot and if i don't then i won't see him until a few weeks after out 3 month and i haven't seen him since before our two month. it would suck, it's hard to got a long time without seeing him.

he's amazing...

blah blah blah.

what a boring day. i did get up and go to the gym and walk 2 miles today but that was about it.

the gym makes me feel better, i like it. no, it doesn't boost my confidence completely but still. it's nice to know that i'm taking steps to better myself though. but it sucks because when i get in my car after then i'm hungry and have to focus A LOT to not eat shit. i hate it. it's hard. my appetite sucks and for the most part it controls me. i don't know how to change it at all.

my insecurities are killing my relationship...or maybe it's just me that they're destroying.

it seems like EVERYDAY me and alex always have the same conversation. I always end up feeling at one point in the day that i am not good enough for him or that he wishes i were prettier or skinnier; not because of him, he  doesn't make me feel that way...it's me. yes, sometimes i begin to feel that way becuase of a comment he makes about how pretty another girl is or how nice her boobs are or how nice her legs are....but when most girls have a loyal, caring, amazing boyfriend like i then it doesn't both them.

Alex would NEVER cheat on me. he would never leave me for someone else. but when it comes to another girl i for some reason freak out inside and begin thinking that he's thinking that i should be like them. he's not thinking that, EVER. so why the fuck do i still feel this way? i hate it. i hate my insecurities. i've been going to the gym and i went out and bought decent food to eat and stopped partying. but i'm not sure those really are the right steps.

will losing weight really make me uninsecure? or should just go to the therapist that i've been talking about since march?

I'll do what i can to start writing more, i don't really have much else to occupy myself with.

boyfriend is amazing. i love him to death, i could not imagine anyone better than him existing. yes, i have my moments, but he's great enough to push through them with me and not be like every other guy.

i think i might finally be getting my self image under some what control. i've been going to the gym and what not. i just hope i can do it more easily this time... it's hard for me to keep motivation, at least from myself. i don't know why but for some reason myself has never been much motivation. it's easier for me to do things for alex than myself. he hates that. he doesn't want me doing anything for him if i can't do it for myself...which makes sense, i just wish it was easier for me.

i'll get there one day...hopefully sooner than later.